Dear Chris Cornell…

Source: Dear Chris Cornell…

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Dear Chris Cornell…

Dear Chris Cornell,


It’s been 13 days now that you’ve been gone. Your departure shook the entire music industry. Your wife, kids, band mates and friends have all been paying tributes to you. I sincerely hope you’ve been able to see them all. I, however, cannot watch them. It’s too painful to watch someone else sing YOUR songs. 


I know, you don’t know me. I’m just another one in a million of your brigade of fans. I do hope heaven delivers this letter to you, though. You see, I love you. I adore you.  You knew what I was feeling. It was amazing how your lyrics reflected my thoughts to a T. You weren’t just another rockstar to me. You were my friend. It was like you knew me. You said all the things I wanted to say, but was afraid to say them. No one was listening anyway. But you, you knew what was inside of me and you said the words for me.  


Countless days and nights were spent with you. You have no idea how many.  It was the early ’90’s when I first saw you. I was at a club and they showed “Jesus Christ Pose” on giant screens, pumping the music at full throttle. I was mesmerized by you. Having gone to a perocial school like you did, the line “You’re staring at me like I need to be saved” really hit home.  From that moment on, I was hooked on you. The music just got better and better from there. Songs like “Holy Water,” “Blow Up the Outside World,” “Pretty Noose,”….I could go on and on…well, I guess I’m trying to say that you were my voice. Knowing someone felt like I did was incredible. You were such a comfort to me.
What I don’t understand is why everyone seemed so shocked you killed yourself. Yes, the news hit me like a freight train. I cried the entire day. When I found out you had hung yourself, it broke my heart, but I wasn’t surprised. What surprised me was how shocked everyone else was.  Had they never listened to your lyrics??? You sang a lot about death, religion, and the pain of love. You sang about confusion. Your last album was just one long suicide note. Why is no one talking about that? 


Chris, you sang like an angel, and you looked like one, too. You were a gift from the Lord. Your vibration wasn’t of this earth. You were on a higher plane. I believe this with all my heart. You were homesick. This earth couldn’t match the high vibration you were on and that’s why you were so unhappy.  You longed to go back to heaven, where you came from. I believe in my heart that’s where you are now. 


When Prince died, I was sad. When we lost Bowie, I cried for a few minutes. When you died, I cried for days. I still cry. I’m sorry you were in so much pain. I’m sorry you couldn’t carry on. I cringe when I think of your last painful moments on earth. I pray that you’re okay wherever you are. I know you didn’t know me, but I knew you. I’m forever changed by your death. I’m also forever changed by your life.  I thank God for allowing you and your talent touch so many lives. I look forward to the day when I’ll finally meet you. For now, in my mind, you’ll always be young. You’ll always be beautiful. You’ll alway be a soul that is forever connected to mine.


I love you, Chris. I always will. I refuse to say goodbye. You’ll live forever in my heart, and when I miss you, I’m blessed to be able listen to your music or watch you at the touch of a button. But it’s not the same. Life will never be the same without you. 

Easter Resolutions

IMG_4264Did you make any New Year’s resolutions?  If you did, how’s that going for ya?  I skipped all that when 2017 graced us with it’s presence. I never keep those resolutions anyway. Let’s be real…making commitments to lose weight and exercise more in January?  Please!  I live in Michigan. January is hardly the right time to start a new, life changing regime.

For starters, it’s freezing outside. Going for walks outside aren’t even a viable option. Not only is it bitter cold at times, there’s ice, slush and it can be downright dangerous. Sure, you can take a yoga class or join a gym. You can get out your treadmill and vow to use it daily. That may work for some, but not me.  In my house, a treadmill would turn into a blanket rack or clothes closet in less than a week.IMG_4265

Then there’s the diet part. January is the worst month ever to start a diet. When it’s 10 degrees below freezing, a salad just won’t cut it. Chili, mashed potatoes and mac and cheese are what you need to get through the winter!  Chowing down comfort foods in your big comfy sweater is what you wanna do after a long day at work.  Unless you live close to the equator, dieting and exercise can be impossible. It’s impossible for me, anyway.

Today is Easter Sunday. It’s sunny, warm and beautiful outside. Today is the day for making resolutions!  Spring is here. Now is the time for exercise. The time for gardening, yard work, and long walks is here. I love going to Michigan state parks and hiking on the trails with my family and our dog. Swimming, tennis, even putt putt golf is good, fun exercise.

Then there’s the diet part. It’s so much easier to start a diet in the spring. It’s easier to get fresh fruits and veggies. They taste even better when you grow them yourself!  Even water tastes better in the summer. Yep. It’s time for Easter resolutions.

So today, I will enjoy the Easter candy, cookies and pie without guilt. I’ll treat myself today.  I’ll drink my last Pepsi and gladly eat my sisters yummy ham and potatos til I’m so full I’m busting a gut.  From now on, I’ll make my resolutions in April. Today I will eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow, I diet.

Beyond Paranormal Witness: Nathan Valentine

Ramblings and Rantings

Syfy replayed the episode of “Lady on the Stairs,” on a Paranormal Witness marathon yesterday. I didn’t watch it again, but Laurie, (my best friend in the entire universe) did. We were texting back and forth about who and what is still hanging around my house. You know, ghost wise.

Well I can honestly say, I have not seen Teresa Stison, the key player of this haunting. Her story began around the turn of the century. She is no longer here in our house. It is my most sincere belief that she and her baby crossed to the other side the moment the secret of her molestation and shameful suffering was revealed to the world. She had unfinished business. Once her name was cleared, she was able to cross over.

Still shot from Syfy's Paranormal Witness.  Teresa Stison and her baby. Still shot from Syfy’s Paranormal Witness. Teresa Stison and her baby. Sadly, I do not feel the same relief for…

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An Open Letter to an Ex (You know who you are)

An open letter to an ex. 

You know who you are. I know you’re reading this because you’ve never lost track of me. You left me flat broke, in the dust and in more pain than I’ve ever felt  in my entire life.  You never loved me. I was your target. I was your meal ticket. I was your fool. 

You expected so much of me. You expected me to support you. You expected me to give you everything. You expected me to care for another woman’s child. All the while, you expected me to look pretty for you. Cook for you. Clean for you. Break my back to give you the life you felt you deserved.

And I did it. I gave in to your every whim. I gave you everything you asked for. It got to the point where I couldn’t pay the bills. You constantly wanted to go out to eat. You had to have expensive clothes and toys. I found myself compromising my standards for you. I thought I loved you even though you put me through the worst hell of my life. 

So when I found out I was having your child, I seriously thought you would put the same effort into the relationship that I had. You didn’t.

You beat me up when I was 7 months pregnant. I still have the scar on my lip from where you punched me. I think of you everytime I put my lipstick on. 

That same day you punched me in the face, you locked me in the garage. You dumped gas all over and taunted me with your lighter. I tried so hard to get out of there. You blocked the door. I was so afraid for the life of my baby that I did everything I could to calm you down. I forgave you, even though you never asked for forgiveness. 

After our baby was born, I found out you weren’t paying the rent. I had just gotten the Christmas tree put up when the landlord knocked on the door and informed me that we had 10 days to get out. You let me down. 

You finally turned your back on me and ran off with someone else. You called me, threatening to cut my head off and take my baby. After countless violent threats and harassment, I got a restraining order on you.

You broke me in the worst kind of way. Here I was, homeless, poor, and seeing your face everyday in my baby’s face. After I got on my feet again, thanks to my family, I met a kind man who was willing to love my son as his own. You signed away your rights to the most wonderful child in the world. You gave up your fatherhood and gave it to another man. Without a fight. You didn’t care. You had another son on the way. You heartless bastard. You son of a bitch. You narcissistic piece of shit. Thank God my son will never have to put up with your shit like your other children do. How many is that now?  4?  5?  Just for the record, the child you had with me never wants to see your fucking face. Do you remember throwing him down when he was just days old?  You were mad because he was crying. Do you remember calling me and telling me you wanted to choke your oldest child because she was acting up. Of course she was acting up. You pulled her out of yet another home.  She had another mommy. She was devastated. Fuck you for what you did to her. Fuck you for what you did to all of us. 

I don’t know if you are simply heartless or if the things you’ve done haunt you in the night. I used to wish pain, hardship and suffering on you. Believe me, death was too good for you. I’ve since forgiven you, but only for myself. For my own healing. For my own sanity. 

Thank you for leaving us. My emotions are mixed because I have the most perfect human being in the son you fathered. I never knew love until I had him. How someone can just walk away from their child is beyond comprehension. My mind can’t grasp the thought,but thank you. Thank you for getting the hell out of our lives. The boy has a dad who loves him. You walking away was the greatest gift you could’ve ever given me. 

I’ll never see you again. You or any of your family, because legally, none of you have any ties to my son. I do pray for you. I truly do. I pray that God has mercy on your soul. Only He can forgive someone like you. Someone who belongs in the deepest pits of hell. 

Signed,

One of the women you thought you destroyed.